(AP) OMAHA, Nebraska - “I just don’t care,” remarked Ed Posner whose son, Jacob, turns five-years-old this Saturday. Mr. Posner has been on a recent campaign to willfully disregard his son’s birthday, a day he describes as the “worst moment” in his life.  “Do I have to be reminded every damn year about it? I mean, I just don’t give a rat’s ass,” Posner claimed with palpable contempt. His wife, Mary Posner, was quick to inform him that, indeed, he does have to be reminded every year.

 

“Ed’s not really the sentimental type,” Mary told the Associated Press. “Even when Jacob was a baby, I would tell Ed, ‘look, Jacob’s taking his first step!’ or ‘did you hear that, Ed? He said, ‘daddy’!’ and Ed would just say, ‘don’t tell me that shit, woman.’” Mary recalled chuckling, “Ah… but really, he’s a sweetie at heart. I know he cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it.”

 

What Ed has shown recently is great disdain for this Saturday’s upcoming event. “Whoopty-friggin-doo, so he’s turning five. What do you want me to do, throw a party or something?” Ed asked.

 

“Yes,” Mary retorted, as apparently a party was precisely what she had in mind to celebrate the occasion. However, Ed explained to her that if they were to throw a party this year, then they would inevitably have to throw a party next year as well. Ed expressed his unwillingness to “start playing that game.” Posner suggested that he would not be intimidated by something as trivial as what he describes, “commemorating the day she shat the little bastard out.”   

 

Mary has recently expressed interest in possibly having a party without Ed’s consent. Mr. Posner assured his wife in the strongest possible terms that, if so, he would not be attending.

 

“I’d rather dip my balls in anthrax than see that little shit fumbling like an epileptic mongoloid to open presents and shove chocolate cake in his fat, disgusting gaping mouth with that stupid shit-eating grin on his face.” Ed articulated, adding, “No, seriously… fuck that guy. I can’t wait to start ruining his life like he did mine.”

 

Mary is hoping next year will be better. When pressed for comment, Jacob, this Saturday’s honoree, exclaimed, “Dinosaur poop is big!” Mr. Posner just sighed.