You awaken and your head throbs with anguish, your throat twinges from bile and you’re breathing like a lunger with asthma. Yep, no doubt about it, sweet pea, you got shit-faced last night. It’s time for a “Whodunit?” of epic proportions, the likes of Christie, Doyle, Hammett or Chandler. There is precious time to solve this mystery. People may be dead and the authorities may already be on their way. You need to know where the bodies are buried, but you were just too fucking hammered last night. Everything is blurry, uncertain, and potentially perilous. We’re talking major ugly here, folks. Bad people doing bad things to good people who didn’t deserve it. It’s not right and you’re caught in the middle of this shit-storm without an umbrella or even a rain slicker.

 

But what you do have are clues. The first and easiest part to solve of this “whodunit” is the “who.” Who did this? …You did, motherfucker … you did… But what did you do? And why? That’s where the real mystery lies. Well, it’s time for some hard-boiled Philip Marlowe gumshoeing action. So, fire up a Lucky Strike and don a fedora. You’ve got a case to crack, palooka, if you’re gonna keep out of the Big House long enough to booze another night. Here are six easy steps for finding clues and putting the screws to yourself so you can wrap up another inebriated mystery.

Where Are You?: The first and easiest thing you must establish is your surroundings. Where did you wake up? At home? In your car? Someone else’s house? The gutter? Jail? Pakistan? As soon as this has been determined then you have solved the first query. You now know where the night ended. It’s time to work backwards. There’s no working forwards when you blackout, there’s only backwards. Is this an unreasonable place for the night to have ended? If so, you’ve got a whole new slew of questions. But if the surroundings are familiar and typical after a night of the ol’ tiger milk, then you can move on to the next clue.

 

What Are You Wearing? (or Can You Locate Your Clothes?): This may sound trivial, but it’s actually very important. ‘Cause, man, if you’re naked and have no clothes in sight, well, then you’re in a much bigger jam than you thought. If the flatfoots are on your trail, you don’t wanna be on the lam without a flogger to cover your “private investigations”, if you know what I mean. If you’re wearing your clothes or can find them easily, then move on to the next clue. But if you’re wearing someone else’s clothes or a clown suit or something, then ask yourself all the necessary questions.

 

Check Your Outgoing and Incoming Calls: This is clutch. You need to look at every call you made and every call you received last night. Also check the call duration. Are there any eyebrow-raising communiqués? Any ex-girlfriends, current enemies, unrecognizable numbers, your parents, people in foreign countries, politicians, or clergymen? Were the police contacted at any time? And hope that you didn’t call Ali Baba in Turkmenistan, because the NSA is listening. Also check your text messages and voicemail. You may have incriminating evidence floating out there in the ether and not even know it. Just pray you didn’t leave any potential blackmail warranting messages on anyone’s phone. Conversations you can deny, but not if they got hardcopies.       

 

 

Were You Injured?: Check yourself for any fresh cuts, scrapes, bruises or broken bones. You may need to go to the hospital.

 

Go Look at Your Car: You need to inspect your vehicle for any evidence. First of all, you must locate the vehicle. If the car is missing, you’ve got trouble. But if you manage to find it, scan for damage. This will let you know if you had any accidents last night. But you also need to look for any mysterious items. After a rather bombed night back in high school, I once found a tie, a toothbrush, a hardhat, a blowtorch, and my floorboard submerged in three inches of water. It looked like the final hotel room in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I had no idea what happened, but lots of clues as to the possibilities. Anything you may find could help.

 

Check the Local News: And finally, as a last resort, you should watch the local news. You need to see if any major unsolved crimes were committed last night. Pay extra close attention to the “wanted criminals” segment. If you see a rough police sketch that has a remarkable resemblance to you–  well, then it’s high time to take it on the heel and toe. Leave town for a few and let things cool down. Hell, maybe you need to breeze off forever, make a clean sneak, change your name and start drinking anew in some different boondocks.

Well, okay folks, I suppose that’s the crop more or less. So, the next time you go over the edge with the rams, getting sauced on the giggle juice at the local gin mill, you’ll be well equipped to handle whatever blows your way.